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Trusting in Yourself

 I've written a lot on this blog about worrying, staying present, my tendency to plan out every second with my life at the expense of being present - things that I'm sure most everyone can relate to at least a little bit.

A couple weeks ago, I was taking a class that always starts out with a brief meditation - at least five minutes or so.  When my mind inevitably wandered, it immediately wandered to planning for the next day, and it finally occurred to me that some part of me must not trust myself.  If I trusted in myself, wouldn't I have the ability to sit back and let my mind have its time to rest, and then pick up all the worries and particulars of the day afterward?

It sounds a little simplistic perhaps, but the concept of self trust has been knocking around in my brain ever since then.  I always thought I trusted myself - I don't have any huge self esteem issues, and I know that I can get things done and be successful in a variety of ways.  Even with that knowledge, however, I can't seem to just let go and relinquish that mental control, trusting that I'll be able to plan out what I'm going to have for dinner when I get home even if I haven't pre-planned during sun salutations at yoga class.

One thing that I have done in response is that when my mind starts to wander toward unnecessary planning or anticipating of the next day's outfit or lunch, I make the mantra that brings me back: "Trust me" or "Trust yourself."  Whether it be during meditation, yoga, or during time spent with friends and loved ones.  It's helpful and helps the little worrier within chill out a little bit.  Hopefully with time it will become even more effective.

This is one of those entries for which I don't really have an answer or a solution or a lot of analysis about the topic - it's just something that's been knocking around in my head and this felt like the appropriate place to share.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  Anyone have any other steps they take to rid themselves of the inner planner?

Finally, because I love him and because his music has always been a guru for my heart, so to speak, I leave you with some words from my beloved Bob:

Don’t trust me to show you the truth
When the truth may only be ashes and dust
If you want somebody you can trust, trust yourself
-Bob Dylan- 


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It's been eight years today since I've been with the love of my life.

A few months from five years married (Costa Rica, here we come).

Eight years and a couple months since living in the city.

Seven years of Friendsgivings in NYC with my chosen family.

Seven years of Karma Kids Yoga - more chosen family and buckets of kids.

Ten years since college; fourteen of the friendships.

One picked-clean, no leftovers turkey last night.  A table of desserts.

And in ten days we do it again with family.

This morning I'm tired, still full, and grateful.