Explanations in Charity

In the spirit of resolution-y January, I'm rereading one of my favorite new books - Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project.  I've probably mentioned it about 47 million times on the blog, and I hope to continue to do so for many years to come.  Reading this book is such a huge reminder of so many little things I can do to not only boost my happiness, but that of those around me.

It's also in the spirit of January that I'm writing about this particular part of the book.  It's so small but so significant.  January can often be all about "me me me," and primarily driven by the ego of self improvement.  While that's not necessarily a bad thing, we kind of forget about the whole charity and goodwill toward men thing we talk about in December.  (Although if you ask me, materialism started trumping the charity thing many Decembers ago and continues to grow stronger - but that's another post)

One of Rubin's resolutions for the month of June, during which she focuses on her friendships, is to Cut People Slack (it's actually a mini resolution housed under the larger resolution to Be Generous).    In elaborating, she refers to the "fundamental attribution error," which is, as she deftly explains:

...a psychological phenomenon in which we tend to view other people's actions as reflections of their characters and to overlook the power of the situation to influence their actions, whereas with ourselves, we recognize the pressures of circumstance.  When other people's cell phones ring during a movie, it's because they're inconsiderate boors; if my cell phone rings during a movie, it's because I need to be able to take a call from the babysitter.

Another way of looking at this is simple empathy and compassion.  We've all been guilty of this many times, especially in New York when you are surrounded by bazillions of people in all kinds of situations every day.  People walking slowly in front of you in the subway station when you're in a rush, tourists who don't realize that it's really okay to jaywalk when you're in a hurry (I'm sensing a theme for myself here), or a cashier seeming rude.  I'm not saying it's okay to be rude, but like Rubin says - who hasn't had a bad day?  It makes us less angry and therefore more peaceful and happy to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  We don't know what's going on with them, and I'm sure when we have awful days we appreciate other people's compassion - and easily recognize how much worse hostility makes us feel.

Rubin most beautifully conveys this idea through Flannery O'Connor.  She quotes a letter O'Connor wrote to a friend:

From 15 to 18 is an age at which one is very sensitive to the sins of others, as I know from recollections of myself.  At that age you don't look for what is hidden.  It is a sign of maturity not to be scandalized and to try to find explanations in charity.

I'd say it's pretty damn charitable of O'Connor to limit the age of sensitivity to sins of others to only the years of 15-18.  Clearly, tmz.com didn't exist in her day.

This concept is one of the ways in which working harder to make yourself happier is one of the most unselfish things you can do, because you're directly contributing compassion and kindness (and perhaps happiness) to those around you.  Give it a try - the next time a stranger irritates you for whatever reason, see if you can find an explanation in charity.  Maybe even make up a whole story or excuse for them in your head.  If all else fails, just cut them some slack and take a breath.

My Yoga BFF Blogs!

Today is one of those days where I just can't think of a single damn yoga related thing to write about.  It happens.  Whenever I sit down to write my blog - unless I have something very specific I'm just itching to write about - I always turn to other blogs for inspiration.  So today, instead of writing my usual term paper, I'm sending you off to enjoy another blog!

I mentioned last March about how I have one very, very special yoga friend - my very first yoga friend, in fact.  The beautiful Cassi Stuckman and I met in Sarasota, Florida four years ago this month - holy moly!

When I think of our time in Florida, I think of getting each other up at the crack of (or before) dawn for our early Friday morning yoga dates, early morning runs on the beach, over the bridge, or at the track, lots of laughing, lots of crying, lots of pasta, and lots of wine.  (Alcohol of any kind, actually. Just lots of it)  We've been through our own journeys since we were interns together in Sarasota - she's gone from Manhattan, Kansas to Chicago, Illinois and I've gone from Williamsburg, Virginia to Manhattan, New York!

She also, as you may have guessed, started a blog of her very own last May, and I absolutely love it.  Part of the reason I love it so much is that it's so different from mine!  She updates way more often than I do, and her often entries are super brief - a beautiful picture of her or her student or her awesome dog and a nugget of wisdom.  Sometimes she writes a little bit more if she's feeling it, which is always a treat.

So, enough from me - go!  Enjoy the beauty, wit, and wisdom of my yoga BFF, Cassi Stuckman.  And if you're in Chicago, get yourself to one of her classes STAT!  She's the best!

Rush

One thing I can't stand and avoid at all costs is feeling rushed.  I'm a planner, and I live to anticipate, coordinate, set deadlines, and be early.  When you're rushed, the layer of anxiety you feel can completely affect, and even ruin, whatever it is that you're going - whether it's commuting to work or squeezing in time with a friend.

The interesting thing is, though, I've discovered that out of my total fear and loathing of being rushed and overwhelm, I've started to rush and overwhelm myself.

When you get engaged, the world does a great job of convincing you that you're going to be a nervous, stressed-out, insane wreck in the weeks before you're wedding (if not for the entire period of the engagement!).  I certainly accept that it will be a crazy, stressful, and yes, likely rushed period of time, but I totally reject the notion that I can't be as on top of things and in order as humanly possible.

I've kept up with all 800 zillion bridal magazines and websites out there that all have a timeline of when to do what.  Some are fairly short and broad, and some are insanely detailed down to the T of things that will have to get done.  Even my amazing venue, which churns out over 500 (maybe over 600?  Is that possible?) weddings a year, has sent me a ginormous planning book with worksheets for every tiny little thing so that everything is in order.  The goal of all of these being, of course, that out of all the tedious planning I am gifted a smooth, orderly day where everything and everyone is magically, perfectly in place.

If all of that happens, awesome.  But right now, the arbitrary and totally made-up deadlines that I'm giving myself out of fear of being overwhelmed later are causing me to rush through things that I'm only going to get to do once in a lifetime!  Whether it be scheduling an appointment for wedding rings at a particular time because, dammit, it just had to be done in December or else, or rushing to send out the invitations the second they hit my hot little hands instead of taking my time with them, I recognize that this is something I tend to do in my life outside of wedding planning.

Where does this come from?  Fear.  Fear of...being late, being wrong, being overwhelmed, not getting it done, whatever it is.  It's important to step back and take a look at the big picture and the actual timeline of your life.  To me, this is a classic example of how we can get bogged down in the million things to do we have in our daily lives, and the almost religious way so many of us these days cling to our identity as being "crazy busy."  Are we really?  Lord knows I feel that way and so many other people with way more stressful jobs and lives than I do (not to mention kids) feel that way too.

How can we reduce that fear?  How can we create more space, more patience, more trust?

I'm not quite sure yet.  I'm certain yoga has a lot of help to offer, though.  In class, you take your time.  You breathe and you move, you breathe and you move, you breathe and you move.  And then you stop.  You do nothing.  And you go back in the world to discover that it kept moving along just fine without you, and your life is still right where you left it - only you have a little more flexibility.

We can access that little mini escape anytime if only we can identify when we need it and choose to take a breath and take a moment to reassess the urgency with which we're going through our day.  Be a little more flexible with your idea of what has to be.

I very much hope some of you out there can relate to this feeling, because I kind of feel like I'm just talking to my own neurotic self here.  Maybe I can just blame New York.  The point, essentially, is to stop, smell the roses, roll with the punches, and slow down.

Feeling Good

How appropriate that Pandora chose to give me some good ol' Nina Simone just as I sit down to finally write.  Feeling Good is a fabulous New Year's Day song!

Having just got back into town late Sunday night and having spent most of yesterday recovering in a blob on the couch, I'm just now starting to feel like myself again today.  Spending a week in Florida with the family was lovely but so intensely stressful and even more intensely alcohol-soaked.  I'm ready for every wonderful New Year's and detox cliche the universe can possibly throw my way, and I'm so happy to be back in my home city of beautiful, beautiful New York.

13 has always been my lucky number, and there are so many reasons why this year already feels lucky and tremendous for me.  I haven't been struck by a ton of resolution ideas, which is funny for me because I usually have to keep myself from making hundreds of them.  There are one or two little ones floating around, but the top two are most definitely:

Increase Presence

Decrease the Fear that leads to...judgement, negativity, complaining, gossipping, impatience - take your pick of any of that unlovely cocktail.

Feeling Good invokes a lot of imagery of springtime, and even though we're still a ways away from it (and still oh so bleak and freezing outside), this entire year already feels like one long, glorious springtime.  It's a good intention to set for it, anyway.  I hope everyone finds this year to be a year of more love and less fear!

Ramblings on faith & tragedy

The last week feels like a blur.  I had a wonderful birthday, I celebrated Marc's birthday with him, and most significantly, we suffered an extreme national tragedy.

After hearing about Newtown last Friday while I was at work, all I wanted to do was go into a room all by myself and glue myself to the TV for any updates and just cry and cry and cry.  I wanted to take every single child I know and squeeze them tight and feel that they were safe.  I wanted to hug all of my teachers, including my mother who was an elementary school teacher and would often substitute teach at my school as a kid (it always made me so proud when my mom was the teacher for the day!).  I wanted to hold my best friends and fellow teachers - whether it's yoga, music, even nannying - so we could console each other.

I don't know what to write about today.  This will probably be a non-cohesive mish mash of various things that will hopefully all make sense strewn together, but if not, bear with me...

Marc's wonderful dad came into town for work and among the many topics we debated and dissected was faith.  He is a Christian, even though he doesn't trust any man-made organized religion.  He's a skeptic and a believer all in one.

We had a huge and fascinating conversation about how he defines faith, and how faith is different than belief.  In response to his good-natured assertion that an agnostic is just too lazy to call themselves an atheist, I said that I'm not even sure if I'd go so far as to claim the label as agnostic.  I'm one of those many, many modern people who describes themselves as "spiritual, but not religious."  It's basically the same thing - a searching, undefined gray area where we want to believe in something but just can't seem to figure out what.

I do pray, but I have no idea who or what I'm praying to.  I believe in something, but I'm just not sure what.  I'm not comfortable totally aligning myself with any kind of text, because I think they were all written by man and no man (or woman) is perfect.  Although I try to live by some of the principles written out in the Yoga Sutras or the Bhagavad Gita, yoga isn't a religion and I'm nowhere near well versed enough in them to claim that I live my whole life by them.

Where does that leave us spiritual seekers after a tragedy like this?  After twenty babies are horrifically murdered for absolutely no reason, not to mention the adults who looked after them and gave their lives to try to save them, what do we do?  Who do we turn to for comfort - aside from each other?

This shooting is also bringing up so much debate about so many different things, and probably the hardest one to deal with is those who claim that it happened because we took "God" out of the classroom.  That offends me to the absolute core.  There are plenty of good, gentle, kind, intelligent Christians who live up to that honorable ideal.  There are also plenty of unkind, hypocritical, extreme, and violent Christians.  You don't need a God to know that killing an innocent person is wrong.  People do that every day with or without a personal relationship with God and with or without ascribing to a particular religion.


This isn't one of those blogs where I have an answer and I explain how I came to my tidy conclusion.  I'd love to speak more eloquently and knowledgeably about this but I just can't.  I know I'm jumping all over the place, but there's so much to say and I have so little idea how to say it.

All I know is that this tragedy, and even the fact that it was sandwiched by my birthday and by Marc's as we move ever closer toward cementing our commitment to live our lives together, has gotten me thinking about faith.  I'm nowhere close to defining it, but there is one definition by Judith Hanson Lasater that I absolutely love.  From her book Living Your Yoga:

"...I came to understand that belief is a preconception about the way reality should be; faith is the willingness to experience reality as it is, including the acceptance of the unknown.  An interesting way to understand the difference is to use the words interchangeably in the same sentence:  I believe in Santa Claus.  I have faith in Santa Claus.  Belief can impede spiritual unfoldment; faith is supremely necessary for it."

"Reality as it is" is sometimes tragic and horrifying. It's sometimes wonderful and fortunate beyond all measure.  Both of those things are always true all at the same time all around the world.  All we can do is deal with whatever is in front of us with as much grace and love as we can muster.  And to hug children and each other whenever we get the opportunity.

As my birthday gift to myself...

...and also in the spirit of doing less to survive December, I'm letting someone else do the writing for me this week.

This blog post by Jessica Berger Gross speaks to a lot of what I feel often, and was particularly feeling last night as I was about to go to sleep.  I have a big to do list, as I often do, and I spent the evening after getting home from work plowing through it.  Christmas cards, cleaning, budgeting, wedding stuff - the usual.

As I was going to bed and making a new list of all the things I didn't get to, it occurred to me that day after day and week after week I obsess over my list and of crossing things off, but I very rarely take time to appreciate or applaud all that I actually do.  I don't really give myself credit for the productivity that I work so hard to achieve.  It made me think a lot about the niyama santosha, meaning contentment, that I've been hoping to spotlight this month.  Celebrating the now instead of constantly anticipating with joy or trepidation the next item on the to-do list, the next party - or my wedding.

Searching for morning inspiration, I came across this lovely, concise little blog that says so much of what I want to say from another person's perspective.  Given that she's a mom, it adds a whole new interesting layer to the dilemma.

I hope you enjoy - I'm off to enjoy my last day as a 27-year-old!

Finishing Strong in 2012

Things seem to be starting earlier and earlier this season - Christmas decorations go up before Halloween is even a week away, the Christmas carols follow not too long after, and we all heard about the drama of starting Black Friday on Thanksgiving night (don't even get me started on that).  For the most part, I think it's all more than a little ridiculous, and does nothing but contribute to people being more likely to be Scrooge-y - who can blame you when you've just heard Here Comes Santa Claus for the 47 millionth time before December has even started?

This is one instance, however, where I am more than delighted to get a jump start.  I got an email from Athleta yesterday about a really great idea that happens to support a really great cause.

If you've ever watched The Biggest Loser or had a track coach or personal trainer, you've probably heard the phrase "Finish strong!" a lot.  It's at the end of a workout, whether it's the last mile or the last few reps, that you're tested the most and you're truly building your mental as well as physical strength.  Athleta is applying the mentality of "Finish Strong" to the year 2012 - why wait until January to set fitness goals for yourself?  Keeping up with a pledge to yourself will not only make you feel awesome instead of burned out at the end of the season, but it can benefit a fantastic organization, Girls on the Run, as well.  Read on:

Athleta will be engaging women to finish their 2012 strong by inspiring users to share their remaining 2012 aspirations and goals and encourage them to realize them before the year’s out.  In the spirit of community, the efforts made across Athleta’s Twitter and Facebook will collectively result in inspiring and empowering young girls (through the amazing organization Girls on the Run) to do the same. 

How it Works

Housed on Athleta’s Facebook page, Athleta will ask, “How will you Finish Strong in 2012?”. When an individual makes a pledge to themselves, it is published to their Facebook wall and then aggregated with other responses to form an inspirational mosaic of pledges within the application.  With every action (pledge, share or like), Athleta will donate $1 to Girls on the Run.

In addition to entering goal pledges through the Facebook app, users can participate via Twitter by tweeting their goal with the hashtag #FinishStrong2012.

The Facebook app will pull in all tweets with this hashtag and display them on a randomly selected background. Each use of the hashtag will drive a $1 donation for Girls on the Run.

Click here to get started!

My pledge is to run at least 2x/week and to strength train - either through the amazing Refine Method, or my beloved Jillian Michaels - at least 1x/week.  It's definitely not the most ambitious of fitness goals I've ever set, but let's be realistic, y'all - December is madness.  Setting yourself up for failure can sometimes be just as destructive as not setting any expectations for yourself at all.

I hope you'll join Athleta in supporting Girls on the Run and supporting your own good health!  Happy December!